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David of Macedonia

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Changes....changes.... [Aug. 8th, 2006|12:52 am]
David of Macedonia
[mood |excitedHEE HEE]
[music |Prince - Lets Go Crazy]

All these journal entries....argh....this was my nature for quite some time. And for that I apologize...
But....when you look around you see anger....you see sadness....I cant be part of that. I would much rather be the person that people enjoy to talk to...perhaps feel better after talking to me.

Though life can be so harsh to everyone sometimes....all things may look endless....and hopeless....but please.... I beg of you.....dont do anything to end your life. Things ALWAYS get better. I believe in this because I HAVE to.....and I choose to.

Patience is a hard thing to have....but things will get better for you all....I promise that.

I did this because I couldnt end this journal with such drama...such sadness and anguish....I must end things with...happiness.

I wish the best to you all....and thank you for one of my best Birthdays ever....

Now then.....for the true ending......
Farewell to you all.....
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The End...... [Mar. 10th, 2006|06:05 pm]
David of Macedonia
[mood |infuriatedFinished....]
[music |The One who is Torn Apart]

Im sure everyone has noticed that I dont even update anymore in this livejournal.
There are many reasons that I dont but this is my final entry more than likely. Im not sure.....but I am almost positive.
Anyway.....
Since people love to BITCH BITCH BITCH AND BITCH about me not telling them whats wrong with me well....now I will.
There are a few problems I have with my own DAMN mind. Well lets see.
One.....I have multiple personalities. They consist of many emotions that a typical person experiences everyday.
Two.....I have Dependent personality disorder as well which directly goes with some of my other personalities.
Well lets see....do you really want to know whats wrong? Because not many of you actually take to the time to ask......and if you did and then I start to tell you.....you either just stop caring or you walk away.

WELL HERE.....Every FUCKING day I wake up I feel I have no use.....no FUCKING PURPOSE to be alive. I have nothing to fight for and nothing I want to live for. Go ahead.....tell me to live for myself.....well let me tell you something.....OK I WILL FIGHT FOR MYSELF my entire life....and then on the day of my death.....the things that I fought for in life will be there......just...myself. I will live and die ALONE. That was always my greatest fear.
I look in the mirror and I am filled with rage and sadness because what I see is worthlessness....weak......USELESS......ugly......nothing.......a mistake....a failure......
I wake up.....and wish I hadnt....
I go to sleep.....hoping I dont wake up.....
All dreams are nightmares.....because I wake up from them.
I dont want to commit suicide but I look at that sword everyday.
I HATE the fact that I seclude myself in that basement everyday.....I want to go see people.....but tomorrow....I will get off work......and go downstairs......and watch a box....a box that shows me pictures of other reality.....
Yes I know I am weak.....I know that I just get in the way.....
And come on....please.....tell me I am wrong so I can just pull out the facts and prove you wrong.
The only thing I ever wanted......was someone to love me in return......and that......always fails horribly.....so at the moment......I give up....

Do you remember the quote.....If you love me you walk the path with me.....and if you are to fall....I will be there to catch you......WELL......I have hit the ground......and when I look up......I mainly see.......peoples backs......

I appointed a messenger the last time I was in my right mind to possibly help me back up......more than likely he will fail.....it wont be his fault.....it will be mine.

Now come on.....go ahead....post anonymously....or say something completely stupid about me bitching in here.......come on......drive me.....DRIVE ME TO MY INSANITY........
Goodbye.....
Farewell.....

This is my hour or chaos........and need......
please......I am begging you..............save me......
I love you all..........but......goodbye.....
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(no subject) [Jan. 28th, 2006|01:57 pm]
David of Macedonia
[mood |confusedconfused.....?]
[music |Random music from Bill's Computer]

I think I might be finally pushing through certain parts of my mind.....and moving on further.
The only problem is more are coming up. Hopefully I can get through them.
I am now starting to be quite honest with myself instead of making myself believe things that arent exactly true. I must pursue the things I want instead of denying them because of no confidence.
I must talk with people with honesty and no aggression to stop the things that hurt me instead of letting it do so.

And I also think I am going to stop putting entries here...I mean who actually sees them.....I am sure there are some who dont comment but meh.....
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(no subject) [Jan. 25th, 2006|05:09 pm]
David of Macedonia
Days have been going by.....slowly now.
Boredom takes over me not with just right now....but life.
Many things happen day by day but none of them seem to matter because I always get lost in my own thoughts.

Although some people I am sure notice but most dont is the fact that every day I lose a little more of myself in time.....and change into something I dont like. Although this entry is indeed my pessimistic sad side of me talking I do it anyway. Because I even I want to know something.

Am I still loved by the people around me? Or am I just fading away.

There has been so many things that have pushed me so close....that it terrifies me. I get so close....to enjoy hating.
I feel horrible and guilty when I have bad thoughts about someone....so I instead forgive them...truthfully. If I have things I want to say to someone.....I cant bring myself to do it because it might hurt them.
And yet....I allow people to hurt me all the time. One of them just happened five minutes ago....but I said nothing.

Basically to get right to the point I just need to be reminded if someone cares for me at this moment. I have to stop now though because I am already starting to tear up........




.....I dont want to be like this again......
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(no subject) [Jan. 25th, 2006|10:11 am]
David of Macedonia
Im lucky if I get a single comment recently.

Eh....I dont care.
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(no subject) [Jan. 20th, 2006|11:05 am]
David of Macedonia
[mood |aggravatedaggravated beyond belief....]

I get someone to comes to my house all the time and plays my videogames on my tv using my system even though I wish I could use it when they are using it but Im nice.....and then they completely act like an ass to me and disrespects everything I ask of him. I have been noticing a lot of spite recently from this person from reasons that I do see but I just say nothing about it.
So I ask myself should I act an ass about it.....but no I wont. Because then I go down to your level. And how would that help me?

Recent events have been....invigorating to a side of myself that I dont show much....if at all to people. But now....that might change.
Never have I felt that much anger in a quick moment.....well I guess thats what I get when I hold it all in. Because I actually was going to explode in this journal entry but....I already calmed down.

And keep trying to keep a friend of mine away from me.
Thats another way to piss me off.

Im very close to letting a lot of it out right here....but....I wont. Because If I did I will make many enemies BECAUSE people hate....the truth.

Now here comes another day of me secluding myself in a basement.
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(no subject) [Jan. 14th, 2006|01:16 pm]
David of Macedonia
I waited for over a year and a half for a certain game.....and now I have it...

XENOGEARS IS MINE!!!

So.....yeah....well....

Thats about it.....dont know what to say...
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(no subject) [Jan. 6th, 2006|09:43 pm]
David of Macedonia
Alright then.
Now we are going to talk about a few things.
Actually NO just one thing.
And this thing is about....(I BET YOU DIDNT SEE THIS COMING) AJ And Kevin.
Both people that I love. Both people that I dont mind in my presence.

This is not to them two.
This is to certain people. Certain people that do things without knowledge of what actually happened. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM EXCEPT THEM!!!
AND I SWEAR TO GOD IF SOMEONE ATTACKS EITHER ONE OF THEM I WILL STAND IN THEIR DEFENSE.....no one has the RIGHT to do such a thing. I understand protecting friends......but dont do it blindly.
I just ask you to not to be hipocritical with what you do. But someone I know covered that part already.

Aj....I understand your anger....
Kevin.....I understand what you are going through.....

But.....everyone else seems not to care what actually is going on. So instead....we get "lets go kill someone".....or..."Your an asshole!".....

I mean.....let them deal with this by themselves....
....excuses.....just to hurt.....
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(no subject) [Dec. 29th, 2005|12:42 am]
David of Macedonia
As I look around myself.....
I see everyone atop of these pedestals.
Some higher than others (happier) and some lower (sad).....
The heights of these pedestals change a lot over time as one could have guessed.
The problem before was the fact that a lot of them were lowering a lot over time....
The problem now is the fact that.....the pedestals arent lowering.....they are breaking......and the people are falling.......

Recently....many things have been happening to all of my friends.....they are all not just sad....but they are going through hell....
Another problem is the fact that.....I cant help anymore.....when I think about helping....I stop and just sit there. I did in the past...hopefully I can do it again. I apologize to the people that I didnt help.....I really do apologize.....for....everyone that graces me with their presence even if many dislike them....or even if I have problems with them.....I still love them. I cant hate them. For if the person is willing to GRACE me with their presence for some of that time they have on this planet....I am honored by them. The point is though.....I am just asking of your forgiveness if I have failed you.

I truly do love you all....and I hope....that things get better.
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(no subject) [Dec. 24th, 2005|12:44 pm]
David of Macedonia
This coming Tuesday I am taking Brian and Adams mom to (get this again!) T.G.I.Fridays. I figured I would because of the fact that Adams mom took me to Burger King not too long ago AND paid for it. And...Adams mom is awesome. Im taking Brian for the fact that we dont talk as much as we used to so this is a good oppurtunity.

Well......Merry Christmas and.....see you later.
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